


“Junkrat, you need to learn how to talk to women.”

by Normal_Ghost



Series: Junkrat, you really need to get laid [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Bad Flirting, Explicit Language, F/M, Flirting, Fun, Gen, Junkrat is a Fuckboy, Junkrat | Jamison Fawkes is a Little Shit, Shipping, Slice of Life, Softest Core, not sure what to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9103408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Normal_Ghost/pseuds/Normal_Ghost
Summary: Taking Sombra's taunt to heart, Junkrat sets out on his mission to try and find some poor girl to bone. A lot easier said than done.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I added more to the end since I first published it, including a heart-to-heart with one of my favorite characters :D

 

#  _“Junkrat, you need to learn how to talk to women.”_

 

_Now entering- Watchpoint: Gibraltar._

Junkrat stood in the middle of Winston’s old lab while the other heroes either scattered or made small talk. Usually he was bursting with excitement before a mission, but today he had other things on his mind.

Today was the day he was going to get laid.

“You doin’ alright there, Junkrat?” Lucio chuckled. Junkrat didn’t even notice that his left foot was tapping like crazy on the concrete floors.

“Oi, sorry mate. Just--ready to get started!” Junkrat replied with a forced smile.

“Alright man, keep doing your thing” Lucio said nervously as he skated off to the front of the group.  ‘Ready to get started’, Junkrat felt like he was ready to spew and he didn’t even know who he was going to talk to. Shit--was there even any women on his team today?

Junkrat looked around nervously: he could see Lucio, Reinhardt, Soldier 76--crikey, it was a real sausage fest today--Symetra! Perfect, just what he needed, a clam in the barbie. Junkrat clambered over to her, she seemed distracted with... something. He never quite knew what she was doing when she was just making floating blue geometric shapes between her hands. As soon as she heard him, she looked, repulsed. Junkrat scrambled to think of something witty, some sort of icebreaker.

“So, uh, Symetra, you like order and control, right? You’d want to order me around your mappa tesse sometime?” Junkrat blurted flirtatiously. Holy fuck did he come out too strong on that one.

“What on earth are you talking about?” Symetra asked disgustedly, looking back at her work.

“Uh, what I mean is,” Junkrat started, scrambling for a better start, “We haven’t talked much, you’d wanna grab a bite after this match?” Symetra snidely looked away from her geometry again.

“We don’t talk for a reason, Jamison. The sheer disorder on the _one_ piece of clothing you choose to wear disgusts me.”

“Ey, well if it’s me daks that are the problem, I could always take ‘em off for ya,” Junkrat teased through a playful grin. Shocked and disgusted, Symetra closed her fist to save her work, then suddenly disappeared.

“Damnit, we lost a teammate! What happened? ” Soldier 76 snarled, looking around the base, “Junkrat! What the hell did you do to Symetra to make her quit out?!”

“Wot?!” Junkrat feigned shock defensively, “I was just making friendly conversation!”

“Whatever, just get in position and shut your goddamn mouth,” 76 grumbled, returning his focus on the closed door. Junkrat chuckled nervously to himself, and shuffled up the stairs.

_5, 4, 3, 2, 1- match start._

The doors all opened, and the familiar chaos of the start of a payload match ensued. While the majority of the team poured out to take the objective, Junkrat rained a barrage of explosives down on the enemy team. It did feel good to get back to what he did best.

“Sniper!” Reinhardt called out, “Fight toe-to-toe you coward!” Junkrat squinted to try and find the culprit, and who should it be but widowmaker.

“No worries cobber, I’ve got this one,” he grinned.

“Ah, je te vois,” Widowmaker whispered to herself, pulling her rifle closer to herself before softly pulling on the trigger. A shot rang out, and the sniper had made another kill. She almost cracked a smile as she scoffed, then reloaded her weapon. Atop her perch, alone from the world with nothing but the execution of others to fill her mind. This was the closest she got to happiness.

“Yoo-hoo! Blueback! _Missing_ something?” Junkrat loudly taunted from the staircase before firing a few grenades towards the sniper.

“Are you kidding me?!” she spat, lowering her gun and running towards the stairs. Just what she needed, a distraction. The click of her heels only made it partway down the stairs, however, before being met with a loud crash and a slight wince of pain, her leg suddenly trapped in a steel trap.

“How did you get past my mine?” hissed Widowmaker, still unimpressed by this nuisance.

“Oh c’mon now, I know a thing or two about traps, mate,” Junkrat chuckled, very satisfied with himself, “Speaking of which, you might wanna think carefully before pointing that rifle anywhere.” Junkrat shook his left hand, holding the detonation switch to the concussion mine situated on the wall directly next to Widowmaker.

“How quaint. Just kill me and get it over with,” Widowmaker said as she relaxed her rifle arm.

“Not so fast dearie, I’ve got a proposition for ya,” he smiled.

“Oh?” she asked, intrigued, “What kind of a job is it?”

“Not a job, per say, unless you’d do me a gobby. Rather, I was wondering if you’ll, maybe, want to come back to my place tonight,” Junkrat asked rather sheepishly. Widowmaker was dumbstruck at first, not even really understanding what he was asking. However, as soon as it dawned on her, she couldn’t help laughing.

“You-” she sputtered between chuckles, “You want me to lie down with you? You really think that I’d want to fuck you? You: the flea-bitten, dirt-covered, scrawny rat boy?”

“Well you don’t gotta be rude about it” Junkrat said, insulted.

“And you try to ask me during a mission? When we’re on enemy teams, like some romantic espionage?” Widowmaker said, still laughing, “I would rather die than have sex with you!”

“Yeah, well you’d rather die then do a lot of things, wouldn’t ya?” Junkrat said flatly, clicking down on the detonator. The mine went off, Widowmaker and his steel trap were destroyed, and Junkrat sulked off back to the mission. Not one of his proudest moments, but certainly one of his most satisfying uses of a concussion mine.

“Someone get the payload moving again!” Lucio called out to the team over the radio.

“Gotcha,” Junkrat acknowledged, running down the rest of the stairs back towards what was supposed to be his mission right now. He tried to lift up his spirits by figuring that two strike-outs weren’t the end of the world, and that Symetra wasn’t even on the top of his list, but he couldn’t help but feel discouraged. Hell, he may have been turned down by the bitchiest two female heroes here. It wasn’t just him right?

“Hey Lucio,” Junkrat started, sitting on top of the payload, “Who do you think are the two biggest cunts in out of all the chick heroes?”

“Excuse me?” Lucio asked, dumbfounded, nearly tripping as he skated next to the payload.

“Ya know, if you had to choose the two cuntiest sheilas, who do you think they’d be?” Junkrat asked again, completely serious.

“Probably Widowmaker and either Pharah or Symetra,” Soldier 76 said flatly over the coms, “Now would you two please focus on the objective.” See? Even the digger agreed with him. Junkrat relaxed and set his mind back on the objective; well, his objective. Speaking of which, he could see his next target up ahead. There, pushing the lines for his team, was a friendly D.Va. He threw down a concussion mine and flew towards her.

“G’day mate,” Junkrat greeted, “How’s the front treating ya?”

“Better than the loser who likes blowing up my MEKA,” D.Va grumbled.

“Ah, that’s in the past mate, we’re on the same side now! I’ve got your back,” Junkrat said encouragingly, before firing off a few grenades towards a nearby doorway, killing two enemy heroes. Damn, he couldn’t have timed that better if he had tried.

“Thanks,” she said as she refocused her attention on pushing their team forwards.

“I didn’t see you at the start of the mission, you must’a scurried away as soon as we spawned, huh? Y’know I was hoping to talk to you about something-”

“If this is about autographs, you can get one after the match, ok? I just want to focus on winning right now” D.Va said flatly, concentrating on shooting.

“No nothing like that mate, I just wanted to see what you look like out of that mech” Junkrat teased.

“You’ve blown me up enough times you’d think you’d know what I look like by now” D.Va grumbled, still not paying attention to the conversation.

“No, what I meant is I’d want to take you out for dinner or something! Crikey, for a gamer I thought you could read a hint” Junkrat muttered. D.Va put up her defense matrix and stopped shooting.

“You’re saying you’re asking me out on a date?”

“Well yeah, if you’re not doing anything after the match,” Junkrat said as he set a trap by the opening checkpoint door. D.Va was a little dumbfounded at first, but after shooting at a few enemy players, she was able to come up with an answer.

“Thanks for the offer, but that’s gonna be a big ‘no’.”

“Wot? Why not?! You haven’t even given me a chance!”

“First off, I know you, and you’re not a guy that deserves a chance. Secondly, no offence, but you’re not my type; I’m into bigger guys.”

“Oh come on! I’m putting myself out there!” Junkrat begged as he shot vacantly towards the enemy team.

“No! Honestly I think I have enough self respect to not need to date someone like you!” D.Va finally blurted out

“Why start givin’ yourself respect? It’s not like anyone else respects ya.”

 

Junkrat woke a few minutes later back in the spawn point. All he could remember was he somehow got attached to the front of D.Va’s MEKA, which was then rocketed straight towards the enemy team, before exploding violently. He figured that the conversation with D.Va didn’t go well. He sighed, stood up, and dusted some of the dirt off his pants.

"If at the first you don't succeed..." he mumbled as he rushed out the door. There was no doubt about it, he had to get this whole thing resolved this game or he’d go bonkers. Well, more than usual. He hated not having thoughts of explosions being the only thing rattling around in his head. He checked the team roster- maybe someone extremely avalible took over for Symmetra?

For fuck sake, Torbjorn replaced her. Junkrat figured he was still on the fence about men, but he’d rather set his bush on fire again before even making small talk with the guy. But wait, what’s this? It looked like Reinhardt dropped out at some point and was replaced by Zarya. Well this must be his lucky game.

It took a few tries to get back to the payload. Apparently trying to stop and talk with your team mid-mission can make it tricky to stay alive. It didn’t help that D.Va kept pushing him _into_ the line of fire. Eventually, Junkrat got to the payload right as his team had wiped out the enemy for a few moments of silence. He cleared his throat and got ready to make his move.

“So, Zarya, you enjoyin’ the game so far?” he asked.

“Yes. It has been rough, but together we will win!”

“Yeah yeah, speaking of rough--would you wanna do some ‘training’ after the match is over?” he flirted.

“Are you serious Junkrat?” D.Va scoffed in disbelief, “Just because you couldn’t get with me, you’re _immediately_ asking out someone else right in front of my face? And in the most disgusting way possible?”

“Don’t give yourself that much credit D.Va, you weren’t my first choice,” Junkrat yelled defensively.

“Is _that_ why Symmetra left?” 76 growled.

“Dude, you seriously need help,” Lucio sighed.

“Ya don’t even know the half of it,” Junkrat added, “Earlier in the game that dog Widowmaker laughed right in my face when I asked her. She was the nicest one too!”

“That’s not what I-” Lucio started, dejectedly.

“Let me get this straight little man,” Zarya calmly began, putting her hand on Junkrat’s shoulder, “Not only are you bothering all the women on both teams, not only are you trying to ask me out right in front of one of them, but you decided to ask out one of Russia’s greatest champions with a lewd sexual invitation?”

“I mean, if you’ll have me,” Junkrat offered up. Zarya smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and then cracked her neck.

“D.Va, do you know where this boy keeps his steel traps?”

 

Faster than Junkrat could scream for help, Zarya had triggered on of his own traps over both of his legs and his arms, twisted it so it couldn’t be un-sprung, and then tossed him over the enemy team, on top of one of the buildings overlooking the final checkpoint. With three health left, he could faintly hear some of his team applauding.

“Well that’s a fine how-do-you-do” he grumbled to himself as he rested his head on the floor.

“Hello there,” he heard a mysterious voice greet. In fear, Junkrat looked up and saw an enemy Ana already perched right beside him. She just giggled.

“Don’t worry son, you’ve already had a rough enough day already” she comforted. Junkrat breathed a sigh of relief.

“So you saw all that?” he asked.

“I’ve been watching your little adventure all game. I couldn’t hear most of it, but it’s been a fun little distraction,” Ana said as she peered through her scope towards her own team.

“Ah. Lovely.”

“Junkrat, you have no idea how to talk to women, do you?” Ana asked.

“Is it that obvious?” Junkrat asked, turning back towards Ana. Ana looked away from her rifle and staired disappointedly back at him.

“Ḥabībī, you seem like a good boy deep down. Don’t bug anyone during a mission, don’t try asking girls out one after another, and talk to a woman like you’d talk to a friend. Just think of one someone very special to you, and give it _time_. Do you understand?” Ana asked.

“Yeah I guess so. I just got a little excited I guess,” Junkrat laughed.

“Good. Now let me get back to focusing on _my_ team, hmm?” she said, turning her rifle towards him before taking a shot.

 

Junkrat woke up back at the spawn point. After sitting pensively for a few seconds, he shook it off, and ran back towards the payload. He wasn’t able to make it back to his team before they delivered it to the final checkpoint, but he was more than a little relieved at that. He didn’t really want to face them all again right away.

Sighing, he pulled out his crumpled list of heroes from his back pocket. Junkrat wasn’t sure who counted as “someone special” to him. At the very least, he figured, giving one sheila a bit more time to warm up to him would be worth a shot. It wasn’t like he was having much luck with the rapid-fire approach.

Now, who’s the lucky lady that’s gonna get that sort of chance?


End file.
